The 10 Commandments of Un-Decorating

February is almost upon us, with its sappy greeting cards, sickly sweet candies and all-that-is-garish-and-heart-shaped-under-the-sun—reminding me that it’s high time I overcome my state of lethargy, yank down the Christmas decorations and move on already. I’ve spent a goodly chunk of time (indeed, too much time!) admiring our glorious crèche and my beloved shrine to reindeer the world over (i.e. the unwieldy hunk of metal that has scratched and scraped my coffee table since the dawn of December). I’ve also whiled away countless hours ogling the 16 million ornaments and Yuletide project-y type hokum we have amassed since the kids entered pre-school (read: the factory for all-things-mawkish-and-inordinately-adorable, made-by-my-very-own-children-but-God-what-will-I-DO-with-this-foolish-tripe?!)

That being said, the time has come for a change of scenery. But first, let us ponder the 10 Commandments of Un-Decorating for sanity’s sake…

1) THOU SHALT CLOSELY SUPERVISE CHILDREN to whom you’ve delegated the taking-down-of-fake-garlandy-stuff, otherwise your little darlings will use it (cleverly, I might add) to jump rope until roughly 73 bajillion pieces of plastic pine needles become embedded in your carpet, or the husband will have a seizure upon discovering said train wreck of an occurrence—whichever comes first.

2) THOU SHALT TRASH ALL-THINGS-GLITTERY (ostensibly, when the kids are busy jumping rope with the mammoth tresses of garland you were stupid enough to hand them). This includes but is not limited to the vat of glittery junk you happen to remove from the tree or that which you find lurking deep in the bowels of ornament havens. Note: GLITTER is EVIL, as is anything even remotely related to glitter (read: shimmery stuff, sparkly remnants and shiny hunks of Lord-knows-what-substances your charges lovingly glued together at the craft table last year). They’ll never miss it and your heart will be glad.

3) THOU SHALT INSPECT STOCKINGS BEFORE STORING THEM. Oranges, chocolate and candy canes maintain little freshness tucked in the recesses of an attic or musty basement for some 10 or 11 months following the blessed holiday, although Pez candies will last a lifetime, I’m told. This little nugget of advice is worth remembering—or stapling to your brow for future reference.

4) THOU SHALT REFRAIN FROM LISTENING TO CHRISTMAS CAROLS BACKWARDS. It is the work of the devil and is especially true with reference to “We Wish You a Merry Christmas.” Such action will cause your head to fill with figgy pudding and at the conclusion of the second verse it will explode. In light of this, perhaps it would be prudent to stuff the CDs in a drawer somewhere with the damned candy canes.

5) THOU SHALT FEIGN FRAILTY AND EMPLOY SHAME IN ORDER TO GET HUSBAND TO LUG BIG BOXES AND OTHER UNWIELDY STUFF WHEREVER NEED BE. Does this really need further explanation? I didn’t think so.

6) THOU SHALT CLEAN THE SWATH OF FLOORING WHERE THE TREE STOOD after it has been safely dragged from the premises. And don’t forget its delightful pine needle trail! Whether that entails hauling out the tired, old vacuum, the Shop Vac or the Swiffer matters not. The action still counts double on the Domestic Goddess Scorecard due to the arduous nature of the task and the undue drudgery endured. Look it up on your scorecard if you don’t believe me. I know you have one.

7) THOU SHALT CHECK BOXES FOR STOWAWAYS PRIOR TO STORAGE OR DISPOSAL. Your search should specifically target small children and/or pets who may have taken refuge there, calling into question, of course, your ability to make a house a home and to provide at least as much comfort and warmth as a cardboard box.

8) THOU SHALT HEAVILY CONSIDER WEATHER FORECASTS BEFORE TAKING DOWN ANY OUTDOOR LIGHTS OR DECORATIONS. The significance and wisdom of this particular recommendation cannot be emphasized enough. Fools beware.

9) THOU SHALT NOT CLUMP OR WAD CHRISTMAS LIGHTS INTO A TANGLED, SORRY MESS FOR STORAGE lest you be tempted to take the Lord’s name in vain upon retrieving them next December, discovering to your dismay how few actually light.

10) THOU SHALT CONVINCE SMALLISH CHILDREN TO DONATE STUFFED SANTAS, REINDEER, ETC. TO THE ORNAMENT-PRESERVATION-CAUSE. The reason being: they’re cushy and soft and will help protect and preserve the breakable stuff en route to the attic. Plus if you seize the ones that emit a maddening little holiday jingle, they will no longer be a source of vexation for you come July.

I sincerely hope the aforementioned tips have been useful to those, who like me, struggle mightily with all that un-decorating entails.

Planet Mom: It’s where I live. Visit me there at www.notesfromplanetmom.com.

Copyright 2008 Melinda L. Wentzel